For reasons that we do not need to go into here, I spend a lot of my time thinking about kicking people in the face. So I thought, hey, why not figure out the best fictional characters to kick in the face? Why limit myself to mere mortals when I could have the whole fictional world to HI-YA in the nose.
Just to keep things fair, though, I’ve decided to add some more friendly categories to this exercise in
Ready? Let’s play: BFF, Prom, or Kick In The Face! First, I’ll list the characters so you can make your own decisions without being influenced by mine.
Peeta, from THE HUNGER GAMES series
Katniss, also from the HUNGER GAMES series
Huck Finn, don’t make me say which book he’s from
Cameron, GOING BOVINE
Gonzo, GOING BOVINE
Mary, FOREST OF HANDS AND TEETH
And I have to include Bella and Edward. You know I do.
So, have you mulled it over? Come to terms with some difficult decisions? Good. Here’s my list:
Peeta: Kick in the face. I know this will immediately make me hated by, like, half the world, but come on you guys. Peeta needs a backbone. He comes across as pasty and namby-pamby and lovesick and willing to let Katniss drag him around by his hair as long as she’s *zomg* touching his hair! I’m holding out hope that in MOCKINGJAY, Peeta finds some hot chick who’s into baked goods, and sensitive boys and they ride off into the sunset together to make muffins and babies.
Katniss: I’d love to go to prom with Katniss. She’d show up all, “Stupid Peeta made me come,” and she’d eat a chocolate covered strawberry. Then she’d make a face and we’d ditch the lame dancing to go lay in a field somewhere where we would gaze at the stars and talk about how much everything sucks.
Huck Finn: This one is a toss up. My initial instinct is to go with BFF because it would be tons of fun to hang out with Huck, getting in trouble and learning Important Lessons (but only by accident). It would also pretty fun to go to prom with him, too, though, but in a backwards kind of way like with Katniss. He’d be late picking me up, but he’d be super cute about it so I’d forgive him. Then, after about five minutes of lame dancing he’d shout, “We’re heading down to the river for the REAL party, effers!” and he’d grab my arm and whisk me off on his sketchy motorbike for a night of (innocent, though no one at the time thinks it’s innocent) fun.
Cameron: Cam is a hard one because he spends a lot of time kicking himself in the face. You kind of don’t want to kick someone in the face when they already have their own bootprint over their eye, you know? So I’m going with BFF, if only because everyone needs an Eeyore of a friend who has a deadpan sense of humor and a world-weary streak.
Gonzo: As annoying as an OCD, mama’s boy dwarf geek can be, I think Gonzo would make a great BFF. Sure he’d be annoying at times, but he’s gonna be loyal. And he’s gonna talk me out of doing dumb things, while supporting me to do other Gonzo-approved dumb things. Very good, both those traits.
Mary: Instead of kicking her in the face, I’d go easier on Mary. She’d be a good BFF who needs a quick punch to the ear hole every now and then. You know, to snap her out of being so insanely insane. I would like to ally myself with someone who’s pretty much bonkers because those are the people who get things done. They’re all, “Whatever. These zombie a-holes are going to eat us all? Awesome. Because I have a feeling I know something about a thing over by the one spot that one person talked about that time before the other time. And if this feeling is correct we are all going to see the statue of liberty head in the sand and be all, ‘NOOOOO!!!!!’ but then things will be OK because of the ocean.” And I’m going to look at her like her hair is on fire and be like,
But then totally go along with everything she says, because she’s Mary and she’s pretty awesome.
Bella and Edward: Kick in the face, kick in the handsome sparkly face. But you knew I was going to say that already, didn’t you?
So tell me, who have you chosen as BFF, Prom or KITF? Any other fictional characters you’d like to add?